


Blood and Alcohol

by Gloomier



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Erebor Never Fell, BAMF Bilbo Baggins, Humor, M/M, Minor Violence, Vampires, Witcher AU, Witcher!Bilbo Baggins, minor gore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-18
Updated: 2017-01-18
Packaged: 2018-09-18 08:51:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9377459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gloomier/pseuds/Gloomier
Summary: A monster is causing problems in Erebor whose King is offering a most generous reward to anyone willing to deal with it. Witchers are professional monster hunters who make their living dealing with monsters and magical oddities. Even witchers meet their match, and it's a good thing Thorin is around when Bilbo meets his.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is the witcher AU that no one asked for.
> 
> Some of the dialogue and the bits at the beginning and end of this fic were directly pulled from the game itself and changed to fit this one shot. 
> 
> [My Tumblr](http://tea-blitz.tumblr.com/)

_Contrary to popular belief, monsters are not all alike. Like people, individual members of the same species can each have their own unique traits, preferences and weaknesses. A good example of this is the katakan which once fed on the inhabitants of Erebor. Perhaps influenced by its close proximity to the hard-drinking dwarves of the city, this vampire had developed a keen appetite for blood spiked with a hefty dose of hard alcohol – and also baubles and gaudy jewelry of all kinds._

 

*

The fresh stench of blood and alcohol was starting to bother his nose as he rooted around the filthy alleyway.

“Have you found anything yet?” a dwarf grumbled behind him.

This dwarf in particular was doing a very good job irritating the shit out of him; Bilbo couldn’t figure out what was so hard to understand about  _Witchers work alone._ Some people couldn’t take a hint it seemed.

Thorin was the Crown Prince, second in line for the throne of Erebor, and he had _insisted_ on following a monster hunter around looking for the very monster feasting on Ereborian residents. The eater of blood, as the dwarves have named it in their tongue, seemed to have a taste for blood _and_ alcohol…

“And it seems you have a great fondness for expensive baubles,” Bilbo whispered softly as he crouched down to pick up a gold, jewel encrusted wrist band.

“What did you find?” Thorin grunted, looking over Bilbo’s shoulder to get a look at the object the Witcher had found.

“Must you follow me around and ask stupid questions like a buffoon?” Bilbo held out of the band to Thorin. He squinted down at the ground and followed the footprints, made by the victim, towards the main street.

Thorin ignored the insult and grabbed the proffered band, turning it in hand as he studied it; what did a gold band have to do with people being murdered? “This could mean anything and yet it does not explain the deaths. This could not have been a murder weapon.”

_Witchers are monster slayers, not murderers_ Bilbo chanted in his head. “Thank you for that genius insight, _Your Majesty_ ,” Bilbo said dryly.

Thorin scowled at the back of Bilbo’s head. “Then what are we dealing with?” the Prince hissed angrily.

“It’s a katakan,” Bilbo replied simply, straightening up out of his crouch.

Thorin gave Bilbo a blank look who sighed heavily in return.

“A katakan is a higher vampire, and an old one too by the looks of it. See here-” Bilbo pointed at the mauled back of the latest victim still laid out on the ground. “Its claws are huge and will continue to grow throughout the beast’s entire life; it’s nearing four-hundred now. This particular katakan also has a fondness for alcohol; every last victim had been drinking heavily prior to the attacks.”

“The body is nearly cleaved in two, how do you plan on getting rid of it?” Thorin looked skeptical that something so huge could be brought down so easily by a halfling witcher.

Bilbo grinned and pulled a pouch of coins from his belt. “Very carefully, just need the right bait.”

*

Thorin wasn’t quite sure what he was expecting initially when Bilbo sharpened the sword he called Orcrist (an enchanted silver sword of Elven craftsmanship) and wiped it down with an unpleasant smelling oil, but he expected it’d be more violent than sitting on a bar stool in an over-crowded tavern.

“I want to get drunk off my ass,” Bilbo explained to the barkeep.

“Troubles with a lover? Or perhaps a business venture gone south?” the barkeep asked conversationally as he wiped out a stone mug.

“Nope. My companion here has driven me to drink,” Bilbo replied smoothly unperturbed by Thorin’s thunderous glare now leveled at him.

The barkeep eyed Thorin over the counter and then looked back a Bilbo. “I want payment upfront. I deal with enough drunken loons forgetting to pay as is.”

“I’ll pay you extra to shut up,” Bilbo huffed and placed a generous handful of coins on the counter.

*

Hours later Bilbo was beyond drunk; he could barely stand let alone recite a filthy limerick as he sauntered drunkenly down the street.

“This was a terrible idea,” Thorin grumbled.

“Then you shouldn’t have followed me around,” Bilbo slurred back at Thorin. “Wanna hear a limerick I just made up?”

“No, I do not.”

“Thorin Thorin what a prick.”

Thorin sighed irritably and rubbed a hand down his face; it was late, he was exhausted and he regretted following the infuriating Witcher around his city.

Then he heard it.

_“I sense your blood.”_

“Good. Come out and fight, bitch,” Bilbo taunted back as he unsheathed Orcrist from its scabbard.

Thorin brandished his own weapon while he turned slowly about; his eyes roamed over the cloistering shadows of the uninhabited street.

_“I shall drink your blood.”_

Bilbo seemed unaffected by the statement as he fell into a defensive stance; he was very attentive for one so incredibly drunk.

Then out of nowhere a great hulking, grotesque beast threw itself at the shitfaced Witcher. With grace that made Thorin envious, drunk as the hobbit was, Bilbo danced away from the vicious assault of sharp claws and a mouth strung with equally frightening teeth; Bilbo countered the attack with one of his own, dragging Orcrist across the beast’s flesh like a knife to butter. The Katakan howled and snarled, whirling around to lunge at Bilbo again, slashing at the hobbit with its claws.

The beast was fearsome, even battle-seasoned as he was there was no way Thorin could have hoped to fight such a creature and survive. He remained in a defensive stance, one that he had taken as reflex when the blood eater appeared, and stayed out of Bilbo’s way. It was a smart decision on his part as the beast landed a blow upon Bilbo that likely would have eviscerated anyone else.

The katakan flailed its clawed hands towards Bilbo, enraged now after having taken several perilous blows itself, and dragged them up from Bilbo’s hip on the hobbit’s left side and across his chest, slashing through his leather hauberk. Bilbo had tried to parry the blow with little success; there was no way he could have rolled out of the way in his current state without more serious repercussion.

The vampire screeched victoriously and knocked Orcrist out of Bilbo’s hand as the hobbit attempted to deflect its next attack. As Orcrist clattered to the ground Bilbo tried to pull Sting, his steel sword, out of its scabbard; but before he could brandish his second sword the vampire threw him to the ground, putting him further out of reach of Orcrist.

The beast was overwhelmingly _strong_ , and Thorin’s unease grew with each blow until it had Bilbo at a serious disadvantage-weaponless and injured.

Without thinking Thorin bounded over to Orcrist and picked it up-finding his grip.

As the profane creature explained to Bilbo, in disturbing detail, what it would feel like to be fed upon, Thorin sliced at the back of its legs and forced the vampire to the ground. With all of his strength Thorin thrust the silver sword down into the katakan’s grey flesh repeatedly until it stopped moving.

Bilbo, still lying prone, let his head fall back onto the ground relaxing; he sure as hell wasn’t scorning Thorin’s presence now.

Thorin let go of the sword and stumbled over to where Bilbo lay, crumpling to the ground next to the hobbit. “I hope you don’t make a habit out of getting drunk and forcing your clients to help you slay monsters.”

“Next time you can be the bait then,” Bilbo snorted.

“I hope there won’t be a next time,” Thorin huffed, discreetly looking over Bilbo’s wound.

“I ought to charge triple for this one,” Bilbo groaned, aggravating his injury trying to sit up. “I refuse to be blamed for killing royalty.”

“Are you sure you don’t want quadruple? I’m sure it can be arranged if you tell my father you saved me,” Thorin chuckled as he steadied the injured and still inebriated witcher with a hand on his shoulder.

Bilbo gaped at Thorin, he couldn’t tell if the dwarf was pulling his chain or not.

“I didn’t take you for the damsel in distress,” Bilbo slurred.

“Nor I you.”

“Point,” Bilbo grimaced. “Show me some royal hospitality and you can pay me our agreed reward.”

“Shall I carry you as well, my lady?” Thorin teased as he picked himself up off the ground.

“I should have let that monster gut me,” Bilbo groused, holding his arm out so Thorin could help him up.

“Perhaps you’d like me to see to your wounds?” Thorin laughed as he carefully pulled Bilbo to his feet and tugged the hobbit’s arm over his shoulder.

“You could see to a lot more than just my wounds,” Bilbo snipped back, letting himself lean heavily against the steady dwarf.

Thorin didn’t say another word as he led Bilbo away, grabbing Orcrist as they passed.

Later, after his wounds have healed some and he’s had a few extra drinks, Bilbo will look back on this evening with a measure of fondness as he combs a hand through messy raven locks. 

*

 

_To bait the vampire, Bilbo took note of its dietary preferences and seasoned his blood to match by loading up on cheap wine. This made it somewhat harder to aim his blows, true, but he still managed to defeat the beast – then had another battle awaiting him the next morning, this one against a powerful hangover._


End file.
